You eventually become the archenemy of Batman, being directly responsible for numerous tragedies in Batman’s life, including the paralysis of Barbara Gordon and the death of Jason Todd, the second Robin. Your gateway into a life of evil wrongdoing begins innocently enough with this act of vandalism. Soon a young boy, lost and wandering all alone after the death of his parents, lashes out against the world by covering your tag with his, and from there everything escalates. No good can come of this. This is why you’re a dick.

There are two types of people in this world: those that tuck their shoes away, and those that leave them out in the middle of the floor for others to trip over. There are also two other types of people: dicks and not dicks. Wanna take a stab at the correlation coefficient between the shoe thing and the dick thing? Here’s a hint: those are your shoes, and you’re being featured on This Is Why You’re A Dick.

You create hilarious content, then restrict non-Americans from viewing it. You are depriving me of what I consider to be a basic human need that everyone, from Canuck to Cambodian, should have access to: Ron Swanson reading female celebrity tweets. This is why you’re a dick.

There’s double parking to avoid getting your car scratched by others, and then there’s double parking by driving into my space and hitting my car. My car is not interested in swapping spit with you, creep. This is why you’re a dick

I don’t know who you are, but one day you got in your car, started driving home from work, saw a closed road and said “fuck it I’m going anyway” and you proceeded to run over a pile of babies, because for some reason there were babies at the construction site. That’s the only explanation I can come up with for why a cops are being placed on full-time patrol at closed roads like this. This is why people get swarmed in bad neighbourhoods, or why home invasions happen: poor police presence because the cops are making sure your dick ass isn’t running over construction babies.

You like to play road police: you intentionally don’t move over when someone wants to pass, no matter how much they blink their lights or honk their horn, and you apparently slow down when you’re being tailgated. There’s a damn good reason why you’re being tailgated: you’re driving too slow. The speed limit really truly is just a suggestion, but you adhere to it like your children will burst into flames if you go 5 over. That’s your right, but please respect the rights of everyone who wants to to travel tole true speed limit, by moving over for a sec while we pass, instead of being a self-righteous dick about it.

You market your antiviral tissues to people that don’t read the fine print or understand how infectious diseases work.

Your tissue kills viruses within the snot that has been expelled into it. This does virtually nothing to contain the spread of flu, not to cure it. Still, idiots will buy anything that says “antiviral” or “antibacterial”. Hell there are probably people who clean their bums with your product, thinking it’ll soak up all the AIDS. Stupidity knows no bounds, and you take advantage of this.

You’re part of the reason allergies and asthma are on the rise - it’s called the hygiene hypothesis, look it up. You’re also partially responsible for antibiotic resistant superbugs, because you help fuel anti-microbe paranoia that results irresponsible doctors prescribing unnecessary antibiotics just to shut a patient’s mouth.

You prey on the stupidity of others to charge more for tissues, with no regard to the socio-medical consequences if your actions. This is why you’re a dick.

You take “double parking” to its most literal interpretation. I assume your brain is in sideways too. Even though you’re a wrinkly bleach blond ex-stripper from Gatineau, you’re still a dick.

Please don’t still be a stripper. Tell me you’ve retired.

You write “50% MORE” in big letters, and “than our 16 count size” in super tiny letters. Vision- and intelligence- impaired people are going to buy this thinking they’re getting extra medicine for the same price. Sure, “buyer beware” and all that, but you don’t have do be a dick about it.

You leave the garbage cans overflowing in your drive-thru. The result is that everyone says “Fuck it, I give up” and either toss their shit on the ground or put their regular trash in the recycling bin. These people were originally going to do the right thing, but you turned them into dicks. Your dickishness is infectious and you didn’t wear a condom. This is why you’re a dick

That sign on the wall behind you says “NO PASSENGER LOADING”. The subtext, which is too small for your 80 year old eyes to read, says “…because if you stop here you’ll be blocking the way for everyone behind you, especially if you fucking get out of your car to walk all the way over to the mall to assist your feeble wife with the long 20 steps to your car. Fuck off old man”.

I swear, it says that.

A clever little piece of art: you’ve jammed your empty pack of smokes in between the slats of the drive-thru wall. The statement is bold: “I am a dick, and plum proud of it. Now pick up my shit, burger jockey. I am better than you.”

You pull over to take a phone call. This is not why you’re a dick. You pull over to take a phone call 10 feet from the intersection, in a no-stopping area, on a corner lined by a tall hedge that makes you completely invisible to someone coming around the corner, greatly increasing the chance that you get rear-ended, which works out great for you because the majority of the time it’s the rear driver that’s found responsible for a rear-end collision. This is why you’re a dick. Also, you’re not signaling.

You stuck your entire guitar box in the recycling slot, because you were so stoked to rip on your sweet new axe that you had no time to break down the box. On the one hand, this is funny because it looks hilarious to see it sticking out like that. On the other hand, you’re still a dick.

You leave a tub of frozen yogurt in a fridge full of non-frozen pizzas. You assume an “Inventory Location Officer” is a real person who does nothing but patrol the aisles looking for out-of-place items, and that they’ll find the yogurt and rush it to the freezer like it’s a cadaver heart awaiting transplant. That, or you truly just don’t give a rip that you’ve likely destroyed a $5 tub of fro-yo. The 25 degree difference between a fridge and a freezer doesn’t even register on your give-a-shit scale. This is why you’re a dick.

Ok yes it’s 50% off so it’s a $2.50 tub of fro-yo. You’re still half a dick, shut up.